So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
