He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
