He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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