just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
