I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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