He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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