I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
