i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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