Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
