Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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