I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
