just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
