so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
