my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
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