Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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