a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
