Can i not drive my cunt home
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Randomize
