I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
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Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
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theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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