After last night, I could never be a politician.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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