You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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