I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
