I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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