just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
