And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
