my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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