I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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