JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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