maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
