JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
