I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
