piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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