In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
