my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
