Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
A+ Viking dick
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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