I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
