i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
