I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
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when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
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I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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