Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
A+ Viking dick
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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