Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
