I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
