I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think I am morally bankrupt
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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