I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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