Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
