I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
