Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
