I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
