just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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