Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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