Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
