i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
