Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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