i just sent this text using only my big toe
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
