my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
