I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
