Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Also, beer. Big fan.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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