went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
