dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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