I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
