do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
