Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
