guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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