Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
